Sometime ago, someone I know said marriage was a sham. Her reason? A lot of
her married colleagues had made passes at her, while their wives still
breathed. She couldn't fathom why couples would make vows that form the basis
of their marriages, only to break it. She was pretty much certain, and
assertively shook her head to ward off counter opinions, including the ones that suggested that she may be an "ogbanje", needing a quick visit to an exorciser.
At that time, I always believed in the necessity of spousal loyalty, but I found her "marriage is sham" conclusion extreme, and quickly dismissed
it as antagonistic. Maybe it's because of some of my random thrilling thoughts of eloping to a Zanzibar beach or a sudden desire to wear a pair of glistening white trainers down the aisle. Yes, sometimes some stupid ideas or likings can momentarily freeze our lucidity, until life quickly jerks us awake to the crucial aspect of saying "I do". I'm wiser. Examining her view now and noting the contents of marital vows, I believe the context of her argument very well justifies her conclusion. The real "ogbanje" will be habitual docility and dullness in tackling the chief vice that corrupts the sacred institution ordained by God. Infidelity.
At a wedding, the vow is the peak of the ceremony for me. In the usually massive, and hollow Cathedral, when the atmosphere hasn't been infiltrated by the bustle of reception, when couple's voices echo, one after
the other- "I...take you.....to be my... I promise to be good to you in
good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour
you all the days of my life. Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit". It is a moment to think about the implications of the vows- the promise of honesty, premium devotion, respect, sexual exclusiveness, and how implementations of these promises represent the
true essence, beauty, sanctity, supremacy and formidability of a marriage. It is also a moment I'm more courageous to renew my resolutions to rather remain single than sign a covenant of monogamy with someone whose creed is "we men are dogs" or any of such beliefs opposed to what a real marriage should be.
As a Christian, my
perception of marriage is spiritual and rooted in the scriptures, even at the
risk of it being stereotyped as a lazy or cliched idea. Marriage is sacred and instituted by God
to be between a man and a woman, who are emotionally, physically and
spiritually committed to love, honour and be faithful to one another as long as
they live. For marriage to retain its substance, it mustn't be taken out of
this context. Hebrews 13:4 minced no words– "Let marriage be held in honor
among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the
sexually immoral and adulterous". The word "defile"(opposite of undefiled) is such a
strong word that connotes extremity and irreparability (well almost). Its
meanings, according to Encarta Dictionary are: 1- to corrupt or ruin something;
2- to damage somebody's reputation or good name; 3- to make a holy or sacred
thing or place no longer fit for ceremonial use; 4- to make
something
dirty or pollute. Infidelity ruins the sanctity of marriage because it
is
against everything marital vows represent- love.
Unfortunately, our culture is dismissive of infidelity, because a lot of us
have become accustomed to certain anti-marriage stereotypes that trivialize its
severity and classify it as mere marital struggles, which as a result have numbed individuals' senses of empathy and obligation. "Oh, it is the nature of the man to cheat, while the woman
should in fact expect and accommodate his sexcapades". "Check his
phones? For how long and unto what end? Men will always cheat". And then
the victims/"cheatees" modeling as "virtuous superheroes" among them will say "so what
if you catch him in bed with someone else, say nothing, endure, keep being a
good wife, show him love, cook his best meal and then pray..." It doesn't
get any less ridiculous than these. And what are we left with?- a more unrepentant, smug philanderer and a partner who can't be bothered about her husband's act and its
effect on their divine union.
It should NEVER seem like a woman has given her husband liberty to cheat. Lord, No! Marriage is the will of God. Well, so says Genesis 2:18 – "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” and Proverbs 18:22 – He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Both
spouses are responsible for helping each other remain on the right track- if you have
to, stalk your spouse, check his/her phone(s), his/her mails- speak out, act!
Some funny people (quoting some evolutionary psychologists and sociology experts) have tried to reason that it's human nature of men to cheat which I think is garbage. It's everyone's human instincts to carry out all kinds of mischief, from beating traffic lights or giving our bosses a thump on the head for tormenting us so much, and so
on, but do we? Exactly! Because part of our humanity is also our ability to control certain
urges that are detrimental to us and the people around us, and not have them
control us. Again, the beautiful Book in Matthew 19:4-6 is my witness“Have you not read that he who created them from the
beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall
leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What
therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Of course, no one said it will be easy coping with a farting/snoring husband or a wife who could win in an "I suck at cooking" competition, but it is amazing and unnatural what humans can endure for the sake of protecting their marital vows with the right kind of attitude.
Marriages need help. In my opinion, salvaging it amounts to programing our mindsets to assimilate the fact
that fidelity is a prominent criterion to monogamy, and consequently develop an eagerness to foster continuous and exclusive bond with our spouses.What do I mean? Simple! Loyalty is key to choosing a spouse, even if he has Dangote's sort of riches, Paul Pogba's kind of swag or Beyonce's charm. Marriage is not an opportunity to be free from parents or have sex. It is
also not a proof of adulthood, or something to do for money, or because friends are all married, or because time is running out, or tired
of being single. There are vows exchanged in God's name. The vow of love and fidelity. A vow that ranks, for instance my spouse's needs over my own needs, keeping in
mind always that my husband's happiness is more important than my selfish interest, with confidence that he has the same will.
Caveat: I chose to fight for an institution that I
believe in, that I feel is being deliberately abused and overlooked by the same people
who made conscious resolutions to preserve it. I accept the fact that tenets of certain religion or culture may differ from mine. To each his own. Also, my dominant reference to male adulterers isn't because there aren't female offenders, but because infidelity involving men seems justifiable and nothing people (wives especially) should be outraged about, which is wrong.
